New Yorkers, you’ve all seen him. He’s the wild and crazy Red Subway Man! He shows up where you least expect him, having wild times, tempting fate by acting irresponsibly in the Subway tunnels. What a daredevil!
Over the past few weeks, we’ve attempted to document all of Red Subway Man’s many adventures, though he’s quite a crafty fellow, and it’s possible there might be even more adventures out there that we haven’t yet found.
Red Subway Man starts his night out by racing down the Subway stairs. He’s in such a hurry to have one of his adventures!
Then, because he’s in SUCH A HURRY, he sprints to the already closing Subway door, where the normal New Yorkers are calmly waiting inside, quietly terrified that Red Subway Man will actually launch himself into the Subway car.
However, Red Subway Man doesn’t quite make it to the Subway car in time. Normal New Yorkers would admit defeat, cancel their entire night’s plans, and walk back home. NOT RED SUBWAY MAN. His wild night out is so important that he surfs the train!
Couple hours go by. Red Subway Man meets up with his friends Blue Subway Man and Green Subway Gal, who counsel Red Subway Man about his wild and crazy ways. “Bro, seriously,” Blue Subway Man beseeches him with terrible earnestness. “This isn’t funny!” Green Subway Gal yells not out of anger but affection. But Red Subway Man knows nothing of temperance or moderation; he knows only of adventure! So, after a night of crazy adventures, in which he may or may not have had a few too many, he starts dancing around the Subway platform.
Then, for no good reason, Red Subway Man starts drunkenly staring into the Subway abyss, despite the beseechings of Green Subway Gal who screams to him, “No, Red Subway Man, no!”
And, as with all good things, the Adventures of Red Subway Man come to end, as he tumbles onto the Subway tracks, no doubt intentionally touching the coveted Third Rail for that all too irresistible 10,000 volt shock.
The thing is, what happens to Red Subway Man after he falls onto the tracks and squeezes the Third Rail? He’s not there in the picture, though it would seem fitting to the MTA aesthetic to show a dismembered Red Subway Man on the tracks if he had been run over. This raises many questions. Does he disappear into the tunnels to join the Mole People? Where did he go? To be continued, dear readers. If you have any knowledge of Red Subway Man and his whereabouts, send them our way!
(Update!!!! Red Subway Man is apparently alive and stealing your iphone!) Is nothing sacred to the Red Subway Man?!?
LATEST UPDATE: Red Subway Man has been manspreading. What a jerk! But could we expect anything less of this noble savage??
And here is doing the insane horizontal A-Train dance:
And, finally, here is a human being bringing what was previously a joke to life: